Mad Clown Disease

January 16, 1974

Mad Clown Disease

Episode:

2

Character:

Taurus

Taurus is at Thrill-O-Rama, owned by Drinky the stunt-clown, to buy some weapons with ammo. But Drinky is in a playful mood. He wants to play first, and do business later. Taurus pulls up at the starting line of Drinky's dirt track, where the clown is waiting in his Clown Car.

Taurus: "Drinky, this is Stampede. You open for business?"

Drinky: "And today we have a very special guest: Stampede. Legendary auto-vigilante extraordinaire. Tell me, Stampede, how does a rotting corpse lodged in your grill affect gas mileage?"

Taurus: "Five seconds, and I already want to put a bullet in your head. Listen, freak, I'm just looking to get some prime conditioned 50's, with ammo. Are we doing business or what?"

Drinky: "What's the magic word?"

Taurus: "I don't have time for your bullshit, Drinky."

Drinky: "Eh. Sorry, bullshit is incorrect. Thanks for playing! Here's a copy of our homegame."

Taurus: "Drinky, I swear, if you don't get it together I will destroy you! DE-STROY! You dig!?"

Drinky: "Well, I do consider you like a third cousin, once removed. By marriage. So, I'll make you a deal. Four lap race. Win, and you get the guns. Lose, and I get your car. And your answer is!?"

Taurus: "Yeah, whatever. Let's get this shit over with."

Drinky: "Oh, goodie! On your mark... Get ready... Get set! Go, go, go!"

And the race is on. Bumping and grinding is hard to avoid on the small track early on in the race.

Drinky: "Ah. You hittin' me. Are you hittin' me? You must be hitting me. I'm the only one on the track!"

And Drinky doesn't like bullets as encouragement.

Drinky: "Sticks and stones won't break my bones. But guns really hurt me. So, better knock that off, Superfly!"

Taurus takes the lead and counts down the laps.

Taurus: "One down. Three to go..."

Taurus: "Two down. Two to go..."

Drinky: "Hey, Stampede, you hear the one about the guy who makes it with the farmer instead of his daughter?"

Taurus: "No. You hear the one about the clown who gets the missile up his ass, and spends the rest of his life impersonatin' a popsicle?"

Taurus: "Three down. One to go..."

After a little while, Drinky also starts his final lap.

Drinky: "Only one lap left, Stampede..."

Taurus: "Like I give a shit. You going down, clown."

Indeed, the clown does go down. Taurus wins the race with flying colours.

Taurus: "Damn, I am good! Beat your stupid ass! Now, give up the goods, Drinky!

Drinky: "Ah, sure... Of course... I... just need to make a quick run to my, ah, storage facility. In... Peru! Be right back, CHAMP!"

And Drinky speeds off.

Taurus: "Man, you better get your freak ass back here! Don't think I never thought of killing a clown!"

Taurus chases him down, but the clown has missiles and is firing them away. Still, he is stopped before he is out of radar range.

Taurus: "Show's over, clown. I'm taking what I want. Then, I'm gonna do the world a favor and set that freak mobile on fire. Oh, and did I mention you gonna be in it?"

Drinky: "You can't kill me. I'm Drinky, the stunt driving clown!"

Taurus: "All the more reason. Fool."

Drinky: "OK. OK. Name your price. Whatever you want. Anything!"

Taurus: "What's the magic word?"

Drinky: "Ah, absolution?"

Taurus: "Eh. Close, but the correct answer was: bullshit! Thanks for playing! And now for your parting gift."

Other quotes[]

Losing the race.

Drinky: "And let's go live to the finish line, where world renowned Drinky, the stunt-driving clown, has won yet another incredible race. Drinky: Ah, yeah, I just want to say: we're all winners here. Except for STAMPEDE."